A dream from last night... Do not read if you have a faint heart...
"He's dieing!" I cried.
"No, how do you know he isn't a murderer... a rapist.... some nasty old pedophile!" My mom yelled back at me.
"You can come with me! You'll see! He's not a murderer and he's only seventeen! i need to meet him. He is going to DIE!" I could feel warm puddles beneath my eyes.
My mom looked at me quizzically.
I wished, I wished really hard.
Suddenly, we were at the airport.
We ordered two tickets to Orlando.
The plane ride only took a few moments.
Tears fell down my face.
"He's going to die.... I'll never get to move to San Fransisco with him.... or eat red jelly beans on the beach.... I'll never hide under the covers with him, from big, scary invisible monsters.... All i can do is watch the cancer slowly eat him away!" I thought panicking.
I looked out the plane window to the dark ground below.
We landed.
Somehow my mother and i knew just which hospital to go to.
When we walked in it was much like a cheap motel.
We walked right past the Nurse at the "Check In" desk.
We rode up and up and up in an extremly tall elevator.
I burried my face in my mother chest and sobbed.
The elevator stopped and I rushed out and slammed into a little girl in a wheel chair.
I looked down at her.
her face seemed to be rotted out.
There was a sickly twist in my stomache.
I scrame and scrame and scrame.
The cancer had eaten away her face.
My mother pulled me away.
We turned into a hallway that looked alot like my doctors office.
We opened a door to the right.
And there he was.
laying in a hospital bed.
Only his head, neck, and upper chest were uncovered.
the rest of him was covered in a thick blue blanket.
He looked up at me with his blue and green eyes.
"Oh, Teddy." I whispered, still crying, I stood at the foot of his bed.
he looked up at me and smiled.
I looked back at my mom and she nodded.
I rushed to his side.
I ran my fingers down through his blonde hair.... something I had waited to do forever.
A tear fell down his cheek.
"t-teddy, don't cry. I lo...."
I wrapped my arms around his waist, trying to pull him up to me.
But it felt as if a water balloon had popped in my arms.
I held in my arms an empty blue blanket soaked in water.
Teddy groaned.
A clear liquid washed out of the blanket, pouring over the sides of the bed, onto the floor and my shoes and my waist and legs and jeans.
My mouth stood agape.
Teddys eyes slowly closed.
Their blue and green light gone.
His once pink cheeks went pale.
I couldn't breathe.
I choked hard "lo- lo- love YOU!"
I fell to the wet floor.
Stretching my arms out to either side of me.
I scrame.
I closed my eyes as tight as I could and scrame.
"JESSICA!" I heard.
I woke up.
my alarm clock said 4:21.
"JESSICA! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" My step brother yelled through my bedroom door.
My pillow was soaking wet.
i ran out of my room and knelt over the toilet.
I felt as if i was going to throw up all my insides but i just sobbed over the toilet rim.
My brother slowly opened the bathroom door.
"Hey, you okay?"
I didn't want to answer....
"Hey, listen, i'm sorry for yellin..."
"SHUT UP!" I turned and yelled at him then looked back into the toilet.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
I'm trying to stay positive.
Everything is okay....
It could be worse right?
yes it could....
But, If it got ANY worse I wouldn't be able to bear it.
Teddy....
Is my best friend.
I have known him since October of last year.
He lives in Florida.
He is 17.
He doesn't have a car yet so we haven't met.
We talk until 4:00 in the morning most nights.
He has the most perfect personality.
The most gorgeous blue and green eyes.
You know when someone asks you... or even if your just think to your self....
What would the perfect person for me be like?
Honestly.... Teddy is THE perfect guy.
Three days ago he wasn't acting himself... at all.
So I asked him what the matter was.
And he told me that he was going in for cancer screenings the next day.
The next day we didn't talk.
I was so worried.
I used to think no one could be "everything" to me....
but suddenly I realized how alone I felt with out him.
I couldn't think of anything but him that day.
And i realized he WAS everything.
Today I talked to him.
I asked him what his screenings said.
"were they positive?"
no answer....
All i could say was "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry"
he has liver cancer....
I really dont know what to say.
I am too afraid to google it to see if Its actully something that could ....
hurt him....
I really don't know what to say.
I just want him to be his self again.
i just don't want to worry.
I love him too much.
But that's not even all...
i feel like I am liveing in a soap opera right now.
but I know its not going to go away.
My friend John, who is amazing too.
i don't love him like i love teddy.
But He is like... well, like a fourth brother to me. haha
He's leaveing to gorgia....
he enlisted in the Army.
he says it's what he wants to do.
he is leaveing in march.
I'm NOT a sad person....
I write sad poetry....
and sad storys....
and i draw sad pictures....
But I am NOT a sad person....
And I can't take all this.
I miss the old teddy,
and theres only a matter of time before John is gone too.
I'm crying.
Which I havent done for ... well truthfully months.
I wish i could be happy.
And I wish I didnt write this...
Because I dont want to make who ever is reading this sad too....
i will try and have some good news tomorrow.
XXXJessie
Everything is okay....
It could be worse right?
yes it could....
But, If it got ANY worse I wouldn't be able to bear it.
Teddy....
Is my best friend.
I have known him since October of last year.
He lives in Florida.
He is 17.
He doesn't have a car yet so we haven't met.
We talk until 4:00 in the morning most nights.
He has the most perfect personality.
The most gorgeous blue and green eyes.
You know when someone asks you... or even if your just think to your self....
What would the perfect person for me be like?
Honestly.... Teddy is THE perfect guy.
Three days ago he wasn't acting himself... at all.
So I asked him what the matter was.
And he told me that he was going in for cancer screenings the next day.
The next day we didn't talk.
I was so worried.
I used to think no one could be "everything" to me....
but suddenly I realized how alone I felt with out him.
I couldn't think of anything but him that day.
And i realized he WAS everything.
Today I talked to him.
I asked him what his screenings said.
"were they positive?"
no answer....
All i could say was "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry"
he has liver cancer....
I really dont know what to say.
I am too afraid to google it to see if Its actully something that could ....
hurt him....
I really don't know what to say.
I just want him to be his self again.
i just don't want to worry.
I love him too much.
But that's not even all...
i feel like I am liveing in a soap opera right now.
but I know its not going to go away.
My friend John, who is amazing too.
i don't love him like i love teddy.
But He is like... well, like a fourth brother to me. haha
He's leaveing to gorgia....
he enlisted in the Army.
he says it's what he wants to do.
he is leaveing in march.
I'm NOT a sad person....
I write sad poetry....
and sad storys....
and i draw sad pictures....
But I am NOT a sad person....
And I can't take all this.
I miss the old teddy,
and theres only a matter of time before John is gone too.
I'm crying.
Which I havent done for ... well truthfully months.
I wish i could be happy.
And I wish I didnt write this...
Because I dont want to make who ever is reading this sad too....
i will try and have some good news tomorrow.
XXXJessie
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Wedsday, January 21, 2009
Oh Lordy, I poured a HUGE glass of Dr. Pepper and i left it up stairs.
Goodness, I'm thirsty.
I forgot to bring it to the computer! Urgg!
There's an empty glass next to me on the computer desk.
I keep picking it up and putting it to my lips anticipating Dr. Pepper....
But then I realize it's only an empty glass. *sigh*
In other news... ;-)
I talked to MK today about David...
So here's the low down on David.
I met him at the skating rink A.K.A Champions.
Basicaly i was flirting with his cousin Vinnie (this was BEFORE I found out Vinnie had a extremly gorgeous girlfreind)
So i was flirting with Vinnie and David overheard me talking to Vinnie about his blue eyes.
So David jumped in (a bit jealous maybe? :-D)
*Biffy Clyro comes on my ipod* back to the story... haha
So he jumped in and was like "Hey look at my eyes! their prettier!"
Then he got just a foot away from me, opening his eyes wide, and stared into mine.
I nearly fainted... that boy is cute. haha ;-)
His eyes were SO green, even greener than mine!
"Sexy." I said playfully.
he laughed.
but i really meant it.
Then MK pulled me away.
So yeah.... i barely know this David kid.... true.
but I am DETERMINED to become his friend.
And when I'm determined, I don't quit. :-)
the best part? He's SINGLE. :-D haha
BUT
I have to wait until Friday.
Friday is teen night at Champions.
And he might not even be there. *sigh*
but I have to have hope.
.... and be patience.
But I wanna see his green eyes so bad, haha!
I can HARDLY wait. :-)
*waits for friday*
xX More Soon Xx
xX Jessie Joe Xx
Goodness, I'm thirsty.
I forgot to bring it to the computer! Urgg!
There's an empty glass next to me on the computer desk.
I keep picking it up and putting it to my lips anticipating Dr. Pepper....
But then I realize it's only an empty glass. *sigh*
In other news... ;-)
I talked to MK today about David...
So here's the low down on David.
I met him at the skating rink A.K.A Champions.
Basicaly i was flirting with his cousin Vinnie (this was BEFORE I found out Vinnie had a extremly gorgeous girlfreind)
So i was flirting with Vinnie and David overheard me talking to Vinnie about his blue eyes.
So David jumped in (a bit jealous maybe? :-D)
*Biffy Clyro comes on my ipod* back to the story... haha
So he jumped in and was like "Hey look at my eyes! their prettier!"
Then he got just a foot away from me, opening his eyes wide, and stared into mine.
I nearly fainted... that boy is cute. haha ;-)
His eyes were SO green, even greener than mine!
"Sexy." I said playfully.
he laughed.
but i really meant it.
Then MK pulled me away.
So yeah.... i barely know this David kid.... true.
but I am DETERMINED to become his friend.
And when I'm determined, I don't quit. :-)
the best part? He's SINGLE. :-D haha
BUT
I have to wait until Friday.
Friday is teen night at Champions.
And he might not even be there. *sigh*
but I have to have hope.
.... and be patience.
But I wanna see his green eyes so bad, haha!
I can HARDLY wait. :-)
*waits for friday*
xX More Soon Xx
xX Jessie Joe Xx
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I'm Jessica Joeseph Nichole and I live in South East Texas.
Today was a "Historic Day"...Barack Obama is the first black president, Hip~Hip~Hooray...
I don't see what the big deal is, but i guess I'm glad people are getting excited about something.
Today wasn't anything special for me really.
I'm 14.
It's not like i can really drive anywhere or do anything.
Just school.
It was pretty fun today.
First period we watched the inauguration ceremony.
Me and Micheal Higgins made fun of Mrs. Obamas dress. haha :-)
Second period I had a final test in Technical Theater.
I realized how little I payed attention in that class.
Mainly because some of my best guy friends are in that class. :-)
Third period I had to sit through another boring class with mean old Mrs. Muskeit.
She HATES me.
Mostly because I am horrible at English.
It's like she doesn't understand that English is NOT my first language.
My first language is Czech by the way...
I'm really close to failing her class but she acts like it's my fault.
She could give me SOME kind of slack.
Fourth period is my favorite of all.
Art 1.
We are doing "Abstract Expressionism" A.K.A New York art. ;-)
It's amazingly fun.
But it takes almost no skill.
Mrs. Strole said "Jessica, this is AMAZING! What was your inspiration?"
the truth was I was thinking about moshing...
"Ummm... happiness?" I lied.
"ohhh..." Mrs. Strole said.
She looked at the black canvas I covered in Spackle and painted red with a feather...
It didn't look happy AT ALL. haha :-D
Some of my friends started laughing because i had all ready told them it was about insane, hard Core moshing. :-)
Next I have lunch.
I don't even eat at lunch.
I just roam around campus with my closest friends.
Today Hannah and Anthoney "Didn't feel like going." which was quite a disappointment.
So It was just me and Layla and Garret.
Layla went off on me a bit...
Garret said "I'm going to die in a week."
I said "Thats terrible... why?" and smiled.
He was obviously kidding.
"I just am..." said Garret. "Things are getting boring around here."
Then Layla said "I'll miss you Garret!"
So I asked "What kind of music would you like at your funeral, dear?"
And garret said "I don't know. What ever you like Jess."
So I thought a moment and said "How about "Texas Is South" by TDWP?"
And Garret was like "I LOVE THAT SONG!"
All of a sudden Layla looked like she was gonna slap me.
"Whats wrong?" I giggled kind of nervously.
"I am SO fucking sick of you and Mary Katherine acting like you LOOOVE TDWP so much. You two are just fucking posers." Layla said all low and angry.
Garret looked at me like what the hell because he knew I actully liked that band ALOT.
So then, i realized Mary katherine had been over to my house that weekend and was listening to my iPod.
She must have heard TDWP and started, out of the blue, telling everyone she LOVED that band.
Which is a BIG no~no with Hard Core music.
So I quickly explained this to layla and she apoligized for being so strict on me for no reason and i assured her I would have a word with MK.
And two boring periods later I met up with MK and explained to her that it was okay if she liked Hard Core music now but she should probly lay off the bragging so soon.
She understood, as Mary Katherine does, and went on as happy as a bee.
I always envy her for being so happy all the time...
By seventh period I was ready to DIE.
I grabbed my crap and started down the hall, talking to Dustin.
All of a sudden I felt someone wrap their arms around me from behind.
I screamed but they put their hand over my mouth.
Dustin was laughing so I knew it must be Anthoney.
My attacker whispered "STD" in my ear.
I bit his hand and before I even turned around I screamed "Anthoney, you JACK ASS!"
It WAS Anthoney. haha :-)
I know him so well.
"OH! I'm a jack ass am I?" Anthoney laughed.
He scooped me up and started walking through the main hall way with me in his arms hanging over his shoulder.
I would'nt have minded except the whole time he was yelling "Jessica has STDs! Jessica has STDs!"
I was laughing and screaming and slapping Anthoney in the face. hahaha
Everyone was stareing at us.
He carried me ALL the way to the Commons.
Jason, Justin, and Samantha were waiting where they usualy do for me to come out and chat before we were dismissed from campus.
Jason saw Anthoney carrying me screaming "Ghonoria, AIDs, HIV" and other nasty things and immediatly ripped me out of his arms.... which hurt a bit haha ..... and shoved Anthoney into a group of other people.
Anthoney was laughing his little ass off.
Jason was like "You Okay?"
He had a really serious look on his face, like he was ready to beat the shit out of Anthoney if I just gave the word.
But me and Anthoney were just pointing at each other laughing histarically.
We hugged when the bell rang and me and Jason and Samantha started walking home.
When I got home I did NONE of my homework... as usual.
I jumped strait on the computer.
It's now 10:24 at night.
I STILL have'nt gotten off the internet.
I beleive I may have an adiction.
I went on myspace and saw that MK had uploaded the whole TDWP album.
I was a little mad so I sent her a messege.
We talked about plans this Friday night.
I told her to PLEASE take me to Champions with her so I could see David and Vennie again.
She said of course.
Friday should be fun.
I miss Vennie ALOT.
And I miss Davids green eyes too. :-)
x More Later Dear
xxxxxx Jessie Joe
Today was a "Historic Day"...Barack Obama is the first black president, Hip~Hip~Hooray...
I don't see what the big deal is, but i guess I'm glad people are getting excited about something.
Today wasn't anything special for me really.
I'm 14.
It's not like i can really drive anywhere or do anything.
Just school.
It was pretty fun today.
First period we watched the inauguration ceremony.
Me and Micheal Higgins made fun of Mrs. Obamas dress. haha :-)
Second period I had a final test in Technical Theater.
I realized how little I payed attention in that class.
Mainly because some of my best guy friends are in that class. :-)
Third period I had to sit through another boring class with mean old Mrs. Muskeit.
She HATES me.
Mostly because I am horrible at English.
It's like she doesn't understand that English is NOT my first language.
My first language is Czech by the way...
I'm really close to failing her class but she acts like it's my fault.
She could give me SOME kind of slack.
Fourth period is my favorite of all.
Art 1.
We are doing "Abstract Expressionism" A.K.A New York art. ;-)
It's amazingly fun.
But it takes almost no skill.
Mrs. Strole said "Jessica, this is AMAZING! What was your inspiration?"
the truth was I was thinking about moshing...
"Ummm... happiness?" I lied.
"ohhh..." Mrs. Strole said.
She looked at the black canvas I covered in Spackle and painted red with a feather...
It didn't look happy AT ALL. haha :-D
Some of my friends started laughing because i had all ready told them it was about insane, hard Core moshing. :-)
Next I have lunch.
I don't even eat at lunch.
I just roam around campus with my closest friends.
Today Hannah and Anthoney "Didn't feel like going." which was quite a disappointment.
So It was just me and Layla and Garret.
Layla went off on me a bit...
Garret said "I'm going to die in a week."
I said "Thats terrible... why?" and smiled.
He was obviously kidding.
"I just am..." said Garret. "Things are getting boring around here."
Then Layla said "I'll miss you Garret!"
So I asked "What kind of music would you like at your funeral, dear?"
And garret said "I don't know. What ever you like Jess."
So I thought a moment and said "How about "Texas Is South" by TDWP?"
And Garret was like "I LOVE THAT SONG!"
All of a sudden Layla looked like she was gonna slap me.
"Whats wrong?" I giggled kind of nervously.
"I am SO fucking sick of you and Mary Katherine acting like you LOOOVE TDWP so much. You two are just fucking posers." Layla said all low and angry.
Garret looked at me like what the hell because he knew I actully liked that band ALOT.
So then, i realized Mary katherine had been over to my house that weekend and was listening to my iPod.
She must have heard TDWP and started, out of the blue, telling everyone she LOVED that band.
Which is a BIG no~no with Hard Core music.
So I quickly explained this to layla and she apoligized for being so strict on me for no reason and i assured her I would have a word with MK.
And two boring periods later I met up with MK and explained to her that it was okay if she liked Hard Core music now but she should probly lay off the bragging so soon.
She understood, as Mary Katherine does, and went on as happy as a bee.
I always envy her for being so happy all the time...
By seventh period I was ready to DIE.
I grabbed my crap and started down the hall, talking to Dustin.
All of a sudden I felt someone wrap their arms around me from behind.
I screamed but they put their hand over my mouth.
Dustin was laughing so I knew it must be Anthoney.
My attacker whispered "STD" in my ear.
I bit his hand and before I even turned around I screamed "Anthoney, you JACK ASS!"
It WAS Anthoney. haha :-)
I know him so well.
"OH! I'm a jack ass am I?" Anthoney laughed.
He scooped me up and started walking through the main hall way with me in his arms hanging over his shoulder.
I would'nt have minded except the whole time he was yelling "Jessica has STDs! Jessica has STDs!"
I was laughing and screaming and slapping Anthoney in the face. hahaha
Everyone was stareing at us.
He carried me ALL the way to the Commons.
Jason, Justin, and Samantha were waiting where they usualy do for me to come out and chat before we were dismissed from campus.
Jason saw Anthoney carrying me screaming "Ghonoria, AIDs, HIV" and other nasty things and immediatly ripped me out of his arms.... which hurt a bit haha ..... and shoved Anthoney into a group of other people.
Anthoney was laughing his little ass off.
Jason was like "You Okay?"
He had a really serious look on his face, like he was ready to beat the shit out of Anthoney if I just gave the word.
But me and Anthoney were just pointing at each other laughing histarically.
We hugged when the bell rang and me and Jason and Samantha started walking home.
When I got home I did NONE of my homework... as usual.
I jumped strait on the computer.
It's now 10:24 at night.
I STILL have'nt gotten off the internet.
I beleive I may have an adiction.
I went on myspace and saw that MK had uploaded the whole TDWP album.
I was a little mad so I sent her a messege.
We talked about plans this Friday night.
I told her to PLEASE take me to Champions with her so I could see David and Vennie again.
She said of course.
Friday should be fun.
I miss Vennie ALOT.
And I miss Davids green eyes too. :-)
x More Later Dear
xxxxxx Jessie Joe
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